Phantom Does Chicago
by JustLeLe
Summary: Okay I don't know if this has been attempted before but who cares? Okay Phantom of Chicago -greed, corruption, murder, etc. This was really my friend CKthePhantomess' idea so give some credit to her okie?
1. Zee Cell Block Tango

Disclaimer: Do not insult zee fedora! We do not own 'Chicago', we do not own zee Phantom, so screw you!!!!  
  
Zis story iz Co written by LeLeMusicAngel and CKthePhantomess. We decided on doing this right after we watched Chicago on DVD and when we were REALLY hyper so - yeah that explains this. Ahm ENJOY!  
  
((Scene: The Paris Opera House))  
  
CK: *is looking for her partner in crime* LeLe?? LeLe?! WHERE ARE YOU?!  
  
Voice: Muahahahahahhaha.  
  
CK: LeLe I told you, you can't keep trying to drop the chandelier, you KNOW what happened last time.  
  
((Is standing on the chandelier))  
  
LeLe: *whines* But I only got arrested that ONE time, and that was when they actually CAUGHT me!  
  
CK: *glare*  
  
LeLe: Have you got the equipment?? And I don't mean that equipment. .^  
  
((A/N: Think ladies.))  
  
CK: Yeah, I got it. Whaddya need all this stuff for, anyway?  
  
LeLe: Have you got the bag of muffins?  
  
CK: *nods* Blueberry and banana, just like you wanted.  
  
LeLe: *evil sounding* All goes according to plan.....MUAHAHA!!!!!  
  
CK: O.O  
  
LeLe: Have you got the script?  
  
CK: *holds up the script to 'Chicago'* Yeah, the guys who run Ambassador Theater are still trying to find me, even though I TOLD them I'd give it back.  
  
LeLe: Silly humans...... They know we won't give it back.  
  
CK: *blink* We won't? And whaddya mean, silly humans? I'M human! *starts crying*  
  
LeLe: XD Gah! Never mind!  
  
Boris should be back with the lights any minute, he had to stop at a local shop.  
  
CK: Am I the ONLY one here without a criminal record????? *sniff* I've always TRIED to be nice!!! AM I the only one???  
  
LeLe: Probably.  
  
*Boris comes back hauling a HUGE sack*  
  
CK: O_O  
  
Boris: *falls over* Mommy.....  
  
LeLe: Walk 'em around and water him down.   
  
Random Stable boy: oO;;; Oh.kaaay.*leads Cesar out of the opera house*  
  
LeLe: *slaps forehead* I mean BORIS, not CESAR!  
  
Random Stable boy: *walks Cesar and Boris out of the opera house*  
  
CK: You know, maybe we should get started before the cops find us.  
  
LeLe: Don't worry. I sent the cops on a wild goose chase in Stugartt.  
  
~*~  
  
In Stugartt....  
  
*a chipmunk blows up. The cops immediately surround the chipmunk*  
  
Random Cop: DUCK AND COVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~*~  
  
Back in Paris...  
  
CK: Should I get us started? You know, with the introduction?  
  
LeLe: Let's not waste any more time. *Gasp* I can't believe I SAID that!  
  
CK: *turns to the readers*  
  
Ladies and gentlemen, and patrons, *cough HACK* you are about to see a story of murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery......all the things you hold near and dear to your hearts....  
  
Erik: This sounds familiar.  
  
CK: *to LeLe* Okay, I'm done, you wanna explain what's going on??  
  
LeLe: We're not doing Chicago straight out, we're doing Chicago songs as they come to us.  
  
Erik: *walks up to LeLe* We're getting paid for this, right? Our usual fee?  
  
LeLe: Sure, anything for you, sweetcheeks!!!!  
  
Erik: Ahmm, yeah okay. oO; *backs away slowly*  
  
CK: Welcome, one and all ((except YOU, Satan!!)) to Phantom Does Chicago! For our first number, the six merry murderesses and murderers of the Local Paris Jail in their rendition of.... The Cell Block Tango!  
  
Carlotta: *walks out wearing costume* What are these, rags?! This isn't CLOTHING, it barely covers my body!  
  
Audience: *shielding the eyes of children, some knowing they'll have nightmares, epileptic fits, etc.*  
  
Piangi: *is looking her up and down* Uuuwww baby!  
  
Meg: *whimpering* Mommy.  
  
Mme. Giry: *is trying to cover Meg's eyes* Shield your eyes Meg, for your own safety SHIELD 'EM!  
  
Erik: HO-LEE..........  
  
CK: START THE STORY!!! MY EYES, MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LeLe: *praying* I promise I'll be good, I promise I won't try the chandelier thing!!! I promise I'll pay the cast their usual fee!!! I promise I won't steal Boris anymore!!!! Just end this NIGHTMARE!!!  
  
*zap*  
  
*Carlotta is covered in non-revealing clothing*  
  
CK: O_O It WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *holding up finger, like, as in, 'Ta-da'!*  
  
LeLe: Okay, Cell Block Tango.......  
  
~*~  
  
*music starts*  
  
Andre: Croak.  
  
Raoul: Six.  
  
Erik: Crash.  
  
Nadir: Uh-uh.  
  
Firmin: Palais-Garnier.  
  
Carlotta: Ubaldo.  
  
*music quickens*  
  
Andre: Croak.  
  
Raoul: Six.  
  
Erik: Crash.  
  
Nadir: Uh-uh.  
  
Firmin: Palais-Garnier.  
  
Carlotta: Ubaldo.  
  
Andre: Croak.  
  
Raoul: Six.  
  
Erik: Crash.  
  
Nadir: Uh-uh.  
  
Firmin: Palais-Garnier.  
  
Carlotta: Ubaldo.  
  
Everyone: They had it comin'!!!!  
  
They had it comin'!!!  
  
They only had themselves to blame!!!  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
Erik: I betcha you would've done the same!!!!  
  
Andre: Croak.  
  
Raoul: Six.  
  
Erik: Crash.  
  
Nadir: Uh-uh.  
  
Firmin: Palais-Garnier.  
  
Carlotta: Ubaldo  
  
Andre: *walks out into the spotlight with Carlotta*  
  
*dances with her* (or as close to dancing as you can get)  
  
You know how opera singers have these little habits that get you down?  
  
Like Carlotta. Carlotta liked to sing high notes.  
  
No, not sing....CROAK high notes.  
  
So I go to work this one day and I am really irritated 'cause I saw Firmin sleeping with another guy  
  
CK/LeLe/Other phans: I KNEW IT!  
  
And I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Carlotta, practicing her scales, and singing. No, not singing....CROAKING.  
  
So I said to her....I said, "Carlotta...you caterwaul like that ONE MORE TIME!!!!  
  
And she did. *laughs*  
  
So I took the beebee gun off the wall and I fired two warning shots.  
  
*pulls a green sash out of her hair*  
  
Into her head!!!  
  
*shows off the sash - it has a frog emblem on it*  
  
Everyone: She had it comin'!!!!  
  
She had it comin'!!!  
  
She only had herself to blame!!!  
  
If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it  
  
I betcha you woulda done the same!!!!  
  
*Andre and Carlotta go off dancing*  
  
*Carlotta keeps stepping on his toes and breaking his feet*  
  
Andre: . *under his breath* Why me?  
  
*Raoul is blissfully unaware that he's up next, and LeLe runs out to smack him upside the to jump start his brain*  
  
Raoul: *blink* Oh, yeah!!!!  
  
Audience: Puh-lease! T_T  
  
Raoul: *starts dancing with Christine*  
  
I met Christine Daae in Paris about ten years ago. And she told me she was single, and we hit it off right away. So we started seeing eachother. She'd go to work at the opera house, she'd come home, I'd mix her a drink, we'd have dinner. It was like heaven in two-hundred rooms. And then I found out.  
  
*Pushes Christine onto the floor*  
  
Christine: Watch it Foppy!  
  
Raoul: *doesn't hear her* SINGLE, she told me? Single my rich ass!!! Not only was she dating someone else....  
  
*tries to do a split, but he only gets down half-way, hurting his crotch*  
  
*in a really high-pitched voice* Oh no, she spent her weekends underground with an opera ghost. One of those "tall, dark, and handsome" guys, you know? So that night when she came home, I mixed her a drink as usual.  
  
*kisses Christine*  
  
Christine: AUGH garlic breath!  
  
*Pulls Christine's red scarf out of her mouth* You know, some girls just can't hold their arsenic?  
  
Random Christine fans: *pity her for getting kissed by Raoul*  
  
*Andre and Carlotta dance together, and so do Raoul and Christine*  
  
Christine: *is noticing Raoul trying to feel her up* Don't you DARE get all cozy on me!  
  
Raoul: Aw daggot!  
  
Everyone: HAH!!  
  
She had it comin'!!!  
  
She had it comin'!!!  
  
She took a flower in its prime!!!  
  
And then she used it  
  
And she abused it  
  
It was a murder, but not a crime!!!!!  
  
Erik: *walks into spotlight*  
  
*Christine starts dancing with him*  
  
*Raoul goes off to practice blowing his nose*  
  
Random Erik and Christine phans: *fawn, drool, swoon*  
  
Erik and Chrstine: *circling each other *  
  
Erik: Now, I'm sittin' in the parlor, writing 'Don Juan Triumphant', minding my own business, and in storms my girlfriend Christine in a bitchy rage. "You're not the Angel of Music." She says.  
  
Erik phans: *hiss and spit* MROW! *other cat sounds*  
  
Erik: She was CRAZY, and she just kept screaming "YOU'RE NOT THE ANGEL OF MUSIC!!!!"  
  
And then my chandelier fell on her.  
  
My chandelier fell on her TEN TIMES.  
  
*Pulls the Punjab lasso from Christine's stomach*  
  
Everyone else: If you'd have been there  
  
If you'd have seen it!!!!  
  
Christine and Erik: *tugging on the Punjab lasso*  
  
*Erik wins, Christine falls down*  
  
Everyone else: I betcha you woulda done the same!!!!!  
  
Nadir: *dancing with random ballerina*  
  
*speaking Persian*  
  
@$%@$%$&^$^%$^%$%#%$$%^R^%$!!!J#(*T*)$%)W#33-3n etc.  
  
(A/N: We really don't know how to speak Persian, nor do we know what the Hungarian says so.DON'T MOCK OUR DIFFERENCES *tear*)  
  
Erik: yeah, but did you do it?  
  
Nadir: Nuh-uh! Not-......guilty!!!!  
  
*pulls a white handkerchief from ballerina's hair*  
  
Firmin: Andre and I used to run this opera-house, and my wife, Mrs. Firmin, used to help us out. Well, this one night in Paris, the ballerinas did twenty ballet tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five. Splits, spread-eagles, one right after the other. So that night we hung out at my flat, boozing, having a few laughs. And we ran out of wine, so I went out to get some. I come back, open the door, and there's Andre and Mrs. Firmin, doing number 17, the spread eagle....  
  
*Andre and Mrs. Firmin do the spread eagle*  
  
Phans: *gasp* Firmin and Andre aren't a couple?! (A/N: It's only denial)  
  
Firmin: Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands that I even knew they were dead.  
  
*dances with Mrs. Firmin and Andre*  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin' all along  
  
I didn't do it  
  
But if I'd done it  
  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?  
  
Carlotta: *arms around Piangi*  
  
I looooooved Ubaldo Piangi........more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy.......sensitive.....a tenor. But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night, looking for himself, and along the way he 'found' Meg, Jammes, Madame Giry,.......and Joseph Buquet. I guess you could say we broke up due to artistic differences. He saw himself as alive.....*pulls a Chihuahua out of his shirt * And I saw him dead!  
  
Chihuahua: Arff?  
  
All:  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum. bum  
  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin'  
  
They had it comin' all along  
  
'Cause if they used us  
  
And they abused us  
  
How could you tell us that we were wrong?  
  
They had it comin  
  
They had it comin  
  
They only had themselves to blame  
  
If you'da been there  
  
If you'da seen it  
  
I betcha you would have done the same  
  
You croak like that one more time...  
  
Single my ass..  
  
Ten times!  
  
*Persian*  
  
Number 17, the spread eagle.....  
  
Artistic differences....  
  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Mme. Giry: Never have I seen such dancing.and costumes. O_O  
  
A/N: That's all we really had time for, maybe we'll update in zee future, for now please review and if you are nice then you can have some banana and blueberry muffins KAY?  
  
Tata, CkthePhantomess LeLeMusicAngel 


	2. All thaaaat BAAAAAAAAALLLEETTTT!

Disclaimer: Ah......yoo vish to know vether or no we own ze Phantom? Vell, ve are going to zee it October 18 for mee birthday......YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^ ^ But we don't own it......*sob*  
  
LeLe: To all the reviewers, you may have muffins of any kind!  
  
CK: Except the poisoned ones, we gave those to Raoul...  
  
Raoul: HEY!  
  
LeLe: Well, they were GREEN, did THAT mean anything to you?  
  
Raoul: Well....I...I....I....*begins to cry* *passes out on the ground*  
  
CK: What DID we put in those muffins?  
  
LeLe: We put squirrel in them....LalaLA!!!!  
  
Erik: I'm not getting paid enough......  
  
Christine: But we already knew that dear.  
  
Meg: WOW Christine! Do you have ESP?  
  
Christine: ESP? This means.......?  
  
Carlotta: It stands for Extra Sensory Perception.  
  
Piangi: *pops up out of nowhere* Hey I have ESP!  
  
Carlotta: ......yeah right. *off to the side to everyone else* ESP to him means 'Extra Salt and Pepper'........  
  
CK: I have ESP too! I can sense that.......LeLe is thinking about muffins again..........  
  
LeLe: Fo' sho'!  
  
Boris: She's always thinking about muffins.....or me......... LeLe: Mostly you, sweetcheeks. *pinches his cheeks*  
  
Boris: XI Lucky me.  
  
CK: Ooh, before we get started, we have to do the Disblamer!!!!  
  
LeLe: I thought we already did that.....  
  
CK: No, the DisBLAMEr, not the disclaimer......  
  
Boris: Don't use big words, they confuse me!!!  
  
Raoul: *wakes up* *turns to Boris* Will you be my extra special friend???  
  
LeLe: HANDS OFF FOPPY!!!!!! *attacks Raoul*  
  
CK: O_O  
  
Erik: *singing to himself* I'm the only sane one here, la la la la la........  
  
LeLe: *stops fighting so she can hear Erik sing*  
  
CK: Wow, music promotes world peace.....so Eminem doesn't REALLY cause violence......right?  
  
LeLe: Um.......okay......  
  
CK: But now is not the time for that!!! We must do the Disblamer!!!!!!!!!  
  
LeLe: *too much pep* EXPAIN this to ME, puh-LEASE?  
  
CK: The disblamer! Since we're writing a story about murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery, we need to remind the parents of all the reader out there about our....um...erm...."perfectly clean" legal records.......that way they don't complain or sue us.........  
  
LeLe: But isn't that what we put at the BEGINNING of the chappie...?  
  
CK: *sigh* No, LeLe.......*turns to readers* We are all citizens who have not gone to jail (yet) and me and LeLe don't commit or support murder, greed, corruption, violence, exploitation, adultery, and treachery.......  
  
LeLe: Well, except adultery.  
  
CK: Okay, I am gonna kinda sorta in a way forget I ever heard that..........  
  
Meg: *runs into the room crying*  
  
LeLe: Why the waterworks, pinky?  
  
Meg: I-I-I d-did-d-n't g-get t-t-to g-go OOOOO-OOOO-OOOOONNNNN!!!!!!!!! *bawls*  
  
CK: O_O Wha?  
  
LeLe: *turns back to CK* I still don't get it.......  
  
CK: Wrong topic, lady, we're on to something new now...........  
  
Meg: *sobbing* All m l-life I've wanted to be a star, and now you people are CRUSHING MY HOPES AND FUTURE!!!!!!  
  
CK: Really? All I thought we did was stick squirrel parts in a muffin........  
  
LeLe You want center stage?  
  
Meg: *nod*  
  
LeLe: Well, there it is. *points to stage* *a spotlight appears on stage*  
  
Meg: ^ ^ *bit nervous* *gets up on stage*  
  
CK: *to M. Reyer* Start the music!!!!!!!!  
  
LeLe: Here it is!!!!! All that ballet!!!!!!!  
  
Mme. Giry: Wait.....what is my daughter doing us there........?  
  
All That Ballet  
  
Meg: Come on, babe  
  
I've got my ballet gown  
  
And all that ballet  
  
I'm gonna bend my knees  
  
To keep my lunch down  
  
And all that ballet  
  
Get a horse  
  
I know a whoopee spot  
  
Where the wine is cold  
  
But the baritone's hot  
  
It's just an opera-house  
  
Where you forget your spouse  
  
But not that ballet  
  
*dance break*  
  
Curl your hair  
  
And wear your ballet shoes  
  
And all that ballet  
  
I heard that Carlotta's out  
  
So she just blew a fuse  
  
And all that ballet  
  
Hold on, hon'  
  
We're gonna run past home  
  
But make sure I don't leave you  
  
For the baritone  
  
Don't cry if I do  
  
I never did like you  
  
But not that....  
  
Meg and Company: Ballet  
  
Company: Skiddoo!  
  
Meg: And all that ballet  
  
Company: Hotcha  
  
Whoopee  
  
Meg: And all that ballet  
  
Company: Hah!  
  
Hah!  
  
Hah!  
  
It's just an operahouse  
  
Where you forget your spouse  
  
All: But not that ballet  
  
Meg: Hold up your hand  
  
To escape the lasso's noose  
  
And all that ballet  
  
Right up here  
  
Is where I store the juice  
  
*holds up a Hi-C juice box*  
  
All: And all that ballet  
  
Meg: Come on babe  
  
I'm gonna make you cry  
  
I betcha Jackie Chan  
  
Could never kick this high  
  
Cuz in old Hollywood  
  
He knows he never could  
  
Do all that ballet  
  
Company: Oh.....  
  
You're gonna see Meg mega mambo dip  
  
Meg: And all that ballet  
  
Company: Oh.......she's gonna dance until her slippers slip  
  
Meg: And all that ballet  
  
Company: Oh......this dancing ain't a joke  
  
Oh....her mom would have a stroke  
  
Mme. Giry: Meg, you get off that stage this INSTANT!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Company: If she'd hear  
  
Her baby's queer  
  
For all that ballet  
  
Meg: And all that ballet!  
  
Come on, babe  
  
I've got my ballet gown  
  
And all that ballet  
  
I'm gonna bend my knees  
  
To keep my lunch down  
  
And all that ballet  
  
Get a horse  
  
I know a whoopee spot  
  
Where the wine is cold  
  
But the baritone's hot  
  
It's just an opera-house  
  
Where you forget your spouse  
  
But not that ballet  
  
*music break*  
  
No, I'm no one's wife, but  
  
Oh, I love my life  
  
And all that ballet!  
  
*end song*  
  
CK: Okay, g'night, folks!  
  
Meg: Wait, isn't there supposed to be that part where Roxie shoots Fred?  
  
LeLe: Here, have a pistol.  
  
Meg: *takes pistol* *starts shooting wildly*  
  
Buquet: *gets shot in the head*  
  
CK: XI MEG!!!!!! *takes away pistol*  
  
Meg: Man, Joseph never gets a break, does he?  
  
Erik: Apparently not.........  
  
CK: *sigh* Well, all ye insane readers, read and review!! Nice reviewers will now receive their muffins!!!!  
  
Boris: Ahkay, well, I don't think CK needs a muffin...she did WRITE a lot of this, after all.....  
  
LeLe: *stands on a chair* CK WROTE THE LYRICS!!!! I had NO input on this WHATSOEVER, so don't thank me for them!! Thank ME for the insanity!!! *calms down*  
  
Boris: Ahkay, then......Neciekinns, you get a nice cranberry muffin...with artificial cranberries!!! *hands out the the muffin*  
  
Miranda7911, yes, you MAY have a muffin...in fact, have this pretty blueberry one!!!!! And it's 1% FAT FREE! *gives her the muffin* To The Phantom Parisienne: Hey, your Cell Block Tango was GOOD! And since it was good, you get free choice of your muffin flavor.....but I recommend not eating the green one.......  
  
LeLe: And the one with the ears coming out of it......  
  
Boris: ....yeah......okay, PhantomAngel22, you get this lovely banana nut muffin.....*to LeLe* What kind of nuts are in there anyway?  
  
LeLe: Coconut!  
  
Boris: ....um, okay.....*to PhantomAngel* Well, I hope you're not allergic to that...... Okay, La Pamplemousse, we give you this chocolate chip muffin AND a chihuahua!!!! *hands out the two things* Tattered Sparrow, you get this lovely.......erm.....what IS this, anyway?  
  
CK: It's a muffin, isn't it?  
  
Boris: It looks and smells like something died in it.....  
  
LeLe: Must be the squirrel one. Give her a different one.  
  
Boris: Um, okay, here, you get a bran muffin! *gives away muffin* Oh, and to the person who blinked......we give you a dictionary!!!! *hands over the book*  
  
LeLe: To LeLe's guy....*ahem* JOHN......no way in hell are you getting a muffin now!!! *seething* *clams down* Love you, sweetheart!  
  
CK: O_O Erm.....read and review....any flames we get will be used to roast marshmallows.  
  
LeLe: I ate some squirrels with some fava beans and a nice chianti.........*hisses* 


End file.
